Grammar Idol

Seeing Stars: Grammar Idol (Part 10)

How does this work again? It's been two breakups, one move, and approximately 2,920 milligrams of Prozac since the last Idol finale, so please excuse me if my memory is foggy on this point. I'm pretty sure each contestant will reprise his favorite performance of the season, but two songs do not an hour-long episode make. However, this is Idol we're talking about. It's got more padding than Angela Jolie's bra in Tomb Raider.

All right, no more ogling Ms. Jolie's thigh holsters. On with the show.

*

And we're off . . .

What's up with this boxing, ready-to-rumble bullshit? If Syesha had made it this far, would they still be doing this stunt—announcing her weight, suggesting that she's going to duke it out with a dude, and giving her some sort of ridiculous nickname (Sugar Tits?). And even now, despite the boxing stunt, we still have to be reminded that Idol is live. Damn.

Now Ryan's here. I was kind of hoping the boxing guy would be emceeing the whole show, but alas, that's not the case.

I must say, Simon looks rather fetching in his blazer and dress shirt.

The Davids will sing three songs each, according to Ryan.

Now we have an Olympics-style montage: lots of slow-motion shots, lots of serious mugging, lots of . . . boxing footage?

Now John McCain is giving the Davids advice. This must be some sort of campaign stunt to boost his— Oh, wait, it's Clive Davis. My mistake.

Having won a coin toss, David Archuleta will be performing second. Lucky bastard.

Randy's advice to the contestants: "[L]eave it all on the floor . . . This is a duel, Ryan, for the king. Drop it, dude! Drop it hard tonight!"

Simon's advice: "You've got to have a desire to win, and you've got to hate your opponent." God help me, I love Simon's sentences. When he's not wallowing around in a trough of adverbs, he's so damn concise.

The Davids, however, don't heed Simon's advice. Instead, they flatter each other, French-kiss, and announce their intention to travel to California, where they will have a double wedding with Syesha and Dreadlocks the Lesbian. Ahhh . . . A girl can always dream.

*

Mr. Davis has chosen "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" for David Cook. I didn't hear what Mr. Davis chose for David Archuleta—something by Elton John.

Now David Cook's on stage. Since, as regular readers of this blog will know, I see David Cook as Bono Lite, this is really the perfect song for him. (Of course, my undying love for "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" might make me ever so slightly biased.) He's working the crowd. He's doing his growly, gravelly-voice thing. He's doing his soulful stares. This is David Cook at his ultimate David Cookness.

Randy: "Yo, yo. I'm going to call you 'DC,' 'cause we're boys at this point. I think it's a great way to start off this duel of 2007." (Say what? He must have said, "Season 7," right? Surely he didn't get the year wrong. Or did he?) He goes on to give him a mixed, if mildly positive, review.

Paula, the cougar, has "found what she's looking for."

Simon called his performance "phenomenal."

Now David Archuleta's singing "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" (the aforementioned Elton John song). He's sitting on a step to begin the song. I wonder when he'll make his dramatic stand. Ah, it happened at "And let me fly." How fitting. Anyway, he's singing well. He's doing his squinty, big-note thing.

Randy: "That was flawless and unbelievably molten-hot. Crazy vocals! Crazy!"

Paula has chills up and down her arms. She says that David Archuleta brings out so much sunshine in everyone.

Simon: "Very easy to get over-excited tonight. I'm going to be honest with you. I thought last week you were OK. I thought tonight's performance was arguably the best you've done so far."

Simon declares that round 1 goes to David Archuleta, and David Archuleta is on the verge of tears, or passing out, or speaking in tongues. Take your pick.

*

In round 2, David Archuleta will be singing "In This Moment" by Ryan Gilmore, and David Cook will be singing "Dream Big" by some other person or band.

David's rocking out now, playing along on guitar. I'm not digging this performance as much as the last one, but it's more of his rocker schtick. Nothing new. You know, the David-versus-David battle reminds me of the Clinton-versus-Obama battle. One does their thing, the other does their thing, and that's the choice you have. (Pardon my use of the singular their.)

Randy: "You were singing your face off right there." Ack! That's an image I'd like to get out of my mind, like, immediately.

Paula: "A song in your heart, a guitar in your hand, and hard nipples in my shirt." OK, I made up that last part.

Simon: "I thought the end was OK. You made the most with what you had. Being that this is supposed to be a winning song, it didn't feel like a winning moment to me."

Another commercial break . . .

*

Oh, it's that old "Seeing Stars" Coke commercial where everyone's roller-skating. I forgot how much I love this song.

*

David Archuleta is singing "In This Moment." I expect it to be the Shania Twain version, having forgotten that it's the Ryan Gilmore version. (Who the hell is Ryan Gilmore anyway?) It's the usual David Archuleta earnestness. (Big surprise!) I'm bored. Let's look at Ms. Jolie some more, shall we? Is it any wonder that she even makes straight girls say, "I'd do her"?

I was too busy staring at Ms. Jolie to pay much attention to what the judges had to say. It boils down to this: Randy continued to pimp David Archuleta, saying he was so "in the zone" that he could sing the phone book and make it sound good. Paula said something negligible. Simon gives round 2 to David Archuleta, bringing the score to David Archuleta: 2, David Cook: 0.

More commercials . . . (One stars Coldplay as iTunes shills.)

*

David Cook's up now. He's singing some song that's bringing me back to high school. Collective Soul? "The World I Know"? I'm guessing here.

David Cook just finished his song, and he's in tears.

Randy: "One of the cool things about you is that you're showing people a lot of different sides of David Cook . . . Very nice job, dude. Very nice."

Paula says that David Cook is standing in his truth. She rises to give him a one-woman standing ovation.

Simon: "You know, David I just want to say publicly that you are one of the nicest, most sincere contestants we've had." Then Simon lowers the boom. He says that David Cook sang the song well but disses his song choice. (Simon suggests, instead, something like "Billie Jean.")

David Archuleta will be ending the night with "Imagine." That's all I need to hear to know that he's got this in the bag. Congratulations, David Archuleta. You win. Vote for the Worst will be happy, even if I'm not.

*

David Archuleta's singing now, and yeah, he's killing it. There's nothing for me to say, really. Picture Josh Groban doing a cover of "Imagine" in his living room, when he thinks no one's listening, and you get the idea.

Randy: "You are so good tonight. You are exactly what this show is all about."

Paula claims to be speechless. (Very "if a tree falls in a silent forest.")

Simon: "You know, we've taken a little bit of stick this year, but at the end, this show is about finding a star. And tonight, I think we've witnessed one of the great finals. My opinion, David, you came out here tonight to win, and what we have witnessed is a knockout." Way to carry that boxing metaphor all the way to the end, Simon. I'm impressed.

So, David Archuleta has pretty much won, my grammar-based predictions didn't hold, and I have every intention of drinking two or three Coronas tonight and watching Starting Out in the Evening, purely because of Lauren Ambrose's presence in it (see picture at right), and clearing my mind of Idol for a long, long time.

P.S.: Thanks to everyone who's read "Grammar Idol" over these ten weeks. You are all fab.

Eat Your Heart Out, Ross Perot: Grammar Idol (Part 9)

Here's the thing: watching the highlights of last night's episode of American Idol really isn't the same as watching it live. Sure, it's a much more economical use of my time, and sure, I'm probably not missing anything important, but doing a recap of a recap is kind of ridiculous. So, if you'd like to read a fleshed-out recap of the show, click here (for a lot of snark) or here (for a little bit of snark).

However, my friend of a friend, who saw last night's show in person, has informed me that she saw many crimes against grammar that "made her cringe" while she was there. I plan to do a double feature next week. I'll post her report and live-blog the finale.

For now, I'd like to share with you the grammatical highs and lows of the remaining three contestants' respective online Q&As.

David Archuleta's high point: "I really don't have a favorite. Kelly was inspiring since she was the first, but the rest of them are fun to listen to as well." David Archuleta's low point: "Probably go to Disneyworld with my family or something-spend quality time with them." (The hyphen's bizarre, and that's not how you spell Disney World.)

David Cook's high point: "I've never really watch it a lot, but I do remember loving that 'lemur' kid." David Cook's low point: "I don't know if I have one, but I know that nobody can say they've worked harder for this or have wanted it more than me." (Technically, I'm choosing this sentence because it says "more than me" instead of "more than I," but really I'm choosing it because of its hubris.)

Syesha's high point: "I'm super, super positive! I love life!" (It was slim pickings, ladies and gentlemen.) Syesha's low point: "Whitney Houston, Etta James, Alicia Keyes, Zap Mama, Lauryn Hill, Aretha Franklin." ("What's so bad about that?" you ask? Alicia Keyes is misspelled; it should be Alicia Keys. You'd think Syesha would know that, seeing as the question that prompted this response was ''Who are your musical influences?" And that's not the only time she misspells it, by the way.)

Furthermore, I've taken the liberty of reading over the contestants' Q&As, rating each sentence ("Very Good," "Good," "Bad," or "Very Bad"), and charting the results. If the show really were called Grammar Idol, Syesha would be eliminated tonight, after having been trounced by the Davids, and David Cook would beat David Archuleta next week, but just barely. Now, if only that's how things will really pan out.

Bringing the Hot-Man Vocals: Grammar Idol (Part 8)

I just finished a marathon session of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. There's nothing like mugging dozens of innocent bystanders for blowing off steam. That said, my inability to beat the "Just Business" mission is stressing me out. And yet, I can't stop playing. I think I'm developing an addiction. If it weren't for Idol, I'd be futzing around with the PlayStation into the wee hours.

I'm pretty sure Ryan's pauses between "This" and "is American Idol" are getting longer.

Ryan: "Your guiding stars are here to help you." Apparently, he's referring to the judges, not to the firmament.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame seems to be this week's theme. Or maybe it's Ike and Tina Turner. Why else would Ryan be dwelling on an amp that fell out of Ike Turner's car? No, wait, now he's talking about Woodstock. And here's the guy who founded the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. So it's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame after all. Then what was up with that Ike Turner detour?

*

David Cook's up first. He's doing "Hungry Like the Wolf." This is the song he picks? He's the rock guy. Why the hell is he doing Duran Duran?

Randy thought it was meh.

Paula: "I think your 'Hungry Like the Wolf' left me with a big appetite."

Simon calls his performance a "little bit copy-cat" but says it should be good enough to get him through to next week.

Ryan says that when we get back from commercial, Syesha will "let it all hang out." However, Syesha is wearing a silver gown that looks very un-hang-outable. Oh! How much you want to bet she does Tina Turner?

*

An Extra commercial: "Go from 'nice gut' to 'nice butt.'" No thank you. Who wrote this? Construction workers? Gross.

We're back.

Syesha's "on the stools" with Ryan. She's excited about being on tour because she'll be "able to meet all of my fans and everybody who supports me . . . You can have backup dancers!"

I called it! Syesha is doing Tina: "Proud Mary." In her pre-song interview, she admits that this song has been done to death, which makes me wonder why in God's name she would cover it today. She says it's because of the "choreography," but I'm thinking, this isn't So You Think You Can Dance. Pick something else.

And now the performance. Apparently, Syesha thinks "choreography" means spinning in slow, awkward-looking circles while you hold your hands above your head as if you were at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. To make matters worse, her singing is mediocre. I get the impression that she spent more time picking out her dress than she did practicing the song.

Randy: "This is the third week in a row where Syesha has shown . . . that she's in the zone . . . You're showing the heat late in the competition when you need it."

Paula says something about magic.

Simon: "I'm sorry to put a slight damper on things, but for me, I thought it was just a bad, shrieky . . . impersonation of Tina Turner." When Syesha counters with "I had fun!" Simon says, "Good. I didn't." Ha!

Syesha, with her hand outstretched to the audience, in a brother-can-you-spare-a-dime way: "I just want to show people who I am. I just want to have fun." When did Syesha become such a panderer?

*

Ryan, waving what appears to be the head of that creepy girl from The Ring: "The audience gets more and more creative every year."

Dreadlocks is up next. He's performing "a song from Bob Marley. Go figure. Heh, heh." Will this guy ever stop chapping my ass?

He's singing "I Shot the Sheriff." At first, I thought this might not be so bad, given that it's his oeuvre and all. But the band and the backup singers are overpowering him, and he's missing notes, and I'm very, very glad the performances will be abbreviated this week, because I want this to end.

Randy starts off his commentary with "for me," and I know Dreadlocks is in for it: "For me, that was a really Karaoke Bob Marley . . . Dude, it was just OK. There was nothing special about it."

Paula: "Here's the deal, Jason. I wasn't crazy about the performance or the song, actually, but you're so real, you're so genuine, and your artistry always shines through." I guess Simon's "actually" habit has rubbed off on Paula.

Simon: "Jason, stand back. That was utterly atrocious. Sorry, but it's a song you do not touch. The arrangement was atrocious . . . This was, like, honestly a first-round audition massacre. Honestly, I don't know what you're thinking." (To which Dreadlocks fires back, oh so helpfully, "I was thinking BOB MARLEY!")

Now David Archuleta's going to do "Stand by Me." He calls it a song he's always sung "to myself, or to—I don't know—my dog or something." If you'd just tiptoe out of the closet, David, you could sing that song to a real live boy!

He's singing it well. He's flirting with the girls in the first row. I'm surprised a pair of Victoria's Secret Pink panties hasn't hit him in the face yet. He finishes the song off with some falsetto. And the crowd goes wild.

Randy: "Yo, yo. David, check it out, baby . . . At least there's one guy who hits the stage, every time he hits the stage [drowned out by screaming girls]. He brought the hot-man vocals, Paula."

Paula says something or other. I'm too busy typing to pay attention.

Simon: "The truth is you could have whistled, and it would have sounded better than the last song."

*

A Wendy's commercial just said something about a "one-handed snack," which made me think of Bust magazine's "One-Handed Read," which made me giggle.

Time to put on the tea kettle as quickly as possible.

*

I'm back.

I just remembered that I brought home monthly reports to edit. That really kills my Idol buzz.

A commercial for Back to You: a character is being fired, and "the news will blow. You. Away." (I'm transcribing that the way I heard it, of course.)

*

David Cook's back, being cocky and serious. He says, "The bar that I've set for myself is higher than I have for any other week." He's singing some Who song. It might be called "Teenaged Wasteland," but I'm not sure. I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy typing and being full of disdain. I hate to admit it, but when the chorus kicks in, I start getting into his performance in spite of myself. If I could just get that whole Bono Lite thing out of my mind . . .

Randy: "That's more like the David Cook I've grown to love right there . . . Shake whatever off and just be you."

Paula says she's happy to "sit here and watch [his] soul."

Simon: "Welcome back, David Cook."

*

The two movie commercials I've caught both used ordinals to show their respective release dates. Why have ordinals taken over? It's starting to feel like some 1950s B-rated horror movie: "Attack of the Mutant Ordinals!"

I'm checking on my tea. BRB.

*

Ryan: "Now it is time for Round 2." What? If Round 2 is just starting now, then what was all that business a minute ago, with David Cook singing and a band playing and the judges judging? Has Ryan caught the delirium Paula suffered from last week?

Syesha's singing "A Change is Gonna Come." It's really boring. I hate to say that about a civil-rights song, and I'm sure Sam Cooke's version is wonderful and all, but Syesha can't pull this off.

Randy: "OK, so, for me, the first song I loved. This one I did not love as much. Sam Cooke is one of the greatest singers in life."

Paula stands up, applauds, and is (I believe) on the verge of tears. And now Syesha is in tears. Jesus Christ! Shit, and there's the kettle! Fuck!

Simon: "Syesha, I have to be fair. And I'm going to agree with Paula." Excuse me? Has Simon fallen on his head?

I wish I could make my kettle stop whistling, using only the powers of my mind.

Syesha is talking about how she researched the song and learned "so much information" about it. But if that's the case, why wasn't there any grit in her voice (see below)?

Ryan tells Randy, "Thanks for the buzz kill," but damn it, Randy's right. Love the song; hate the singer.

Oh. My. God. While I was typing all that stuff about Syesha, Dreadlocks was doing his interview and had started singing "Mr. Tambourine Man," and now he's singing, "Dah duh-dah duh-dah duh-dah," because he forgot the lyrics. Holy shit. Was he toking up before he went on? What kind of douchebag takes on Bob Dylan and forgets the lyrics?

Randy asks Dreadlocks what happend (re: the lyrics), and Dreadlocks says he "lost some words." He just lost them. It's like losing your keys or your remote or your bong. No big.

Randy: "Jason's not in the zone tonight." Randy, stop saying zone. You're making me nuts.

Paula: "It is what it is."

Simon: "Jason, I'd pack your suitcase." But first take the weed out of the suitcase lining. Homeland Security is a bitch.

*

I just came back from the bathroom to see David Archuleta squinting into the camera and singing some puss-fest song, the title of which escapes me. Blah blah blah. Oh, it's "Love Me Tender." I'm an idiot. Sorry about that, Elvis. Anyway, just imagine David Archuleta crooning and squinting in his usual croony, squinty way, and you've got the idea. Don't get me wrong: it's good. It's just more of the same. It's like when I went shopping with one of my friends for her wedding dress. All those beautiful gowns start to blend together, and pretty soon, you've got white blindness.

Randy likes it. He praises him for "caressing" each word.

Paula says she felt his heart.

Simon: "David, you didn't beat the competition tonight. You crushed the competition."

I'm Calling It: Grammar Idol (Part 7)

Idol is starting in about five minutes, and I'm watching some tool talk about how he learned to play electric guitar "on demand," and now there's some spliced-together, retrospective-of-Seinfeld thing that's flickering by so fast I'm about to have a seizure, and I'm fresh out of tea, and to tell you the truth, what I really want is a nap. The Idol contestants had better blow my socks off this evening, and the theme had better not be something that'll put me to sleep, like Enya week or whatever.

Ryan (with oddly pointy hair): "We're still reeling after last week's drama . . . Please don't let your favorite go the same way."

Simon's wearing a gray, Oliver Twist-type shirt. It's a startling difference from the usual black, nipple-revealing T-shirts.

It's Neil Diamond week. Ryan dramatically pronounces him "leg-en-dary." He calls him "the model of longevity." Is that like being the model of a modern major-general?

Ryan: "It's time for our top five to say 'Hello Again.'" Hilarious, Ryan.

Yellow tells Diamond that she's nervous. I wish someone would turn that poor, sweet girl on to Xanax.

Dreadlocks will be kicking things off. About his rehearsal with Diamond: "Right away, I start singing, and I look down, and it's my lyrics for the next song. [Smites forehead] Oh, boy."

His first song (each contestant will be singing two) is "Forever in Blue Jeans." It's tremendously boring. The dynamics don't change, and his pitch isn't that great. That's three minutes of my life I'll never get back.

We won't hear from the judges until after each contestant has performed his or her song, so we'll have to wait for the evisceration of Dreadlocks.

A commercial for the movie Made of Honor: I wish this movie would hurry up and be released so I can stop having to see commercials for it and online ads with Dr. McDreamy's huge mug on them and billboards with Dr. McDreamy's even huger mug on them.

A commercial for the AT&T Go phone: Meatloaf's singing a revamped, phone-related version of "Dashboard Light" or "Love on the Dashboard" or "Love by the Light of the Dashboard" or whatever. People keep trying to get me to like this song, but I can't. The only meatloaf I like is the edible kind. Hmmm . . . That almost sounded lewd. Anyway, moving on . . .

*

Ryan just told a remarkably charming story about being a little kid, riding "in the way back" of a station wagon, making faces at the cars behind him, and singing Neil Diamond. Wow. I'm actually impressed. Ryan, when you're ready to quit doing the whole Idol, entertainment-news thing and want to sit back and count your vast riches, you might want to try writing a children's chapter book.

Here's David Cook. Diamond claims that his rehearsal gave him goose bumps. I'll admit, I thought the clip I heard of his rehearsal sounded good, too, but I'm not as into his actual performance. It's just, you know, more David Cook puss-rock. But if puss-rock were my thing, I'd probably feel differently.

Oh, shit, Yellow's singing "I'm a Believer." This is going to blow. If the Monkees' version of this song hadn't already saturated our collective unconscious, then the Shrek version definitely finished the job.

I just glanced up at the TV, and Yellow looked bat-ass crazy. This was a few seconds after she said "woo" in the middle of the song. You'd think that Beatles week would have cured her of saying "woo." Yellow is not a "woo" kind of person by any stretch of the imagination.

I am shaking my head in disbelief, really. Yellow even looks crazy when Ryan is flashing her number up on the screen. It's as if she's fallen into the Uncanny Valley. Maybe somebody did turn her on to the joys of Xanax.

*

Ryan: By downloading David Archuleta's performance on iTunes, "you could own a piece of Archuleta."

Diamond on David Archuleta: "He's kind of a progidy." Mozart was a prodigy. Doogie Howser, M.D., was a prodigy. David Archuleta? Not so much.

"Sweet Caroline" has some weird lyrics: "Touching hands. Touching me. Touching you." Very Divinyls.

I predict that Simon will liken this performance to Karaoke. Either that or a cruise-ship performance.

Now it's Syesha, boring the hell out of me. In a few shots, she looks creepily like the grown-up Rudy Huxtable. These lyrics are lame: "Hello, my friend, hello, hello." Why in the world did the kind people at Idol give Neil Diamond his own week? Oh, wait, I forgot.

Ryan goes to the judges to get their snap judgments on the performances so far.

Here's the gist of what Randy has to say: Dreadlocks didn't do very well at all. David Cook's performance was very strong. Yellow's was "a little Karaoke for me." (At least someone invoked Karaoke.) David Archuleta's was "the bomb" (excuse me? really?). Syesha was "definitely in the zone as well. It wasn't amazing, but it was strong."

Paula says some drugged-up-sounding something or other about somebody's lower register, somebody losing his charm, and somebody's performance of two songs, even though each contestant has only performed once so far.

Simon keeps his comments refreshingly brief, of course, and packs a lot of meaning into a handful of carefully chosen adjectives, leading me to believe that Simon would be an excellent blurber of books. (Maybe he could blurb Ryan's children's book.) Simon deems Dreadlocks's performance "forgettable," David Cook's "just above average," Yellow's "a nightmare," David Archuleta's "amateurish," and Syesha's "old-fashioned."

*

Dreadlocks performed his second song, which blew and isn't even worth commenting on.

Randy: "I don't know really what's happening tonight, for you . . . That was just an OK-whatever performance for me." More qualifiers: for me, for you.

Paula: "Come on, come on, fight harder." She reminds me of the coach in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, only scrawnier and more spaced out and less likely to ride a bicycle for the contestants to run behind before title bouts.

Simon: "Jason, come on. For the last two weeks, this was not the Jason we put into the competition. [Both songs] were, in my opinion, forgettable." He also predicts that Dreadlocks will look back at his performance tonight and say "I don't know who this person is."

David Cook is looking really cocky: cocky hair; cocky half-smirk, half-smile; cocky side-glancing eyes. At least he's not putting me to sleep, and at least he's playing with dynamics, though he's shrieking and making these weight-lifting faces that are disturbing.

These performances are going by so quickly that I hardly have time to type anything. Good God.

Randy: "You know what, man? I am a huge David Cook fan right now. You rocked the house with that again, baby."

Paula sputters something nonsensical, which boils down to David Cook's looking like the next American Idol.

Simon: "I thought the first song was OK. I thought the second song was brilliant."

And now we're back to commercials. What is with this episode? I'm feel like I've been snacking on hors d'oeuvres for the past forty-five minutes but can't get full.

*

A commercial for Avon: "PRO-TO-GO LIPSTICK." Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 0. (For once, Team Hyphen is in the lead. Hey, at least that's one good thing about this meh edition of "Grammar Idol.")

*

Yellow is sitting on a stool next to Ryan. He asks her for her reaction to Simon's judgment of her last song, which he called a nightmare. "Well," she says, "I did actually react. I said, 'No, it wasn't.' I know it wasn't a dream come true, but a nightmare?" Huh. If that extended metaphor was intentional, then big ups to Yellow.

Yellow has a lyric crib sheet written on her palm. That's not a good sign.

Hey, that's actually a good lyric: "Palm trees grow, and the rents are low, but I keep thinking about making my way back." Oh, and Yellow took Diamond's suggestion to replace "New York" with "Arizona," which is where she's from. Aw, it's kind of cute. Damn, I can't believe I'm falling for something so gimmicky. It's like my begrudging affection for Chili's.

Randy: "I tell you what, that Neil Diamond song is one of the toughest ones to sing tonight . . . but I'll tell you what, nice job, baby."

Paula: "Brooke, I think what you just did, as opposed to the first time, you did have fun . . . [something about "Idol Gives Back"] . . . but it does show your vulnerability. It shows who you are, and it just works, it works, works, works."

Simon also praises her performance.

Ryan cheers her on for "turning it around" only he puts a weird inflection on the word around and somehow makes it last for three or four syllables.

David Archuleta is singing "America." There's an American flag waving behind him on the big screen. A sample of the lyrics: "They're coming to America. They're coming to America. They're coming to America. They're coming to America. My country 'tis of thee. Sweet land of liberty. Of thee I sing." Well, at least he doesn't have to worry about writing crib notes on his hand to remember those words.

The last word he sings is a loud, high-pitched, eyes-closed "LIBERTY." He's not going anywhere (as if there was any doubt.)

Randy: "All's I can say is, for a young man, you're in the zone right now."

Paula: "This was the absolute perfect song for you to sing. I just want to see that joy and the spirit. I love you, I love you. You're brilliant. Have fun."

Simon: "That was a smart choice of song. I've got to hand it to you. That was clever. It ticked all the boxes."

*

This iPod commercial keeps playing, and I'm pretty sure there's a Fergie song in the background. She puts an extra e in tasty, and she shares my first name, except there's no e in her spelling. It's like the Twilight Zone up in here.

*

Syesha's closing out the show with a Tina Turner-esque, strutting-around-the-stage, hand-clapping rendition of "I Thank the Lord for the Night Time." It's a very animated performance. I think the judges will dig it.

Randy: "You know what I'm loving about you . . . ? You finally realized who you are, like we've been telling you." Does anyone else find that statement extremely creepy? Anyway, he also says that Syesha was "in the zone." When did Randy get on this "in the zone" kick?

Paula rambles some more: "That vulnerable side . . . is your magic . . . That's your performance, theater place . . . You've got that softness in your voice."

Simon: "This is officially the strangest show we've done." Amen. "I think what you've demonstrated there again is that you're a very good actress-stroke-singer. But I do think . . . you might be in trouble tonight."

Now the recap's on. OK, I'm calling it: Syesha or Dreadlocks is out of there. (Syesha's position in the lineup is in her favor, but Dreadlocks will get more of the squealy-teenaged-girl vote.) Vote for the Worst will be happy when Yellow sticks around for another week. The two Davids will make it to the final two. And I never, ever, ever want to hear another Neil Diamond song again.

Very Mature: Grammar Idol (Part 6)

I just speed-ate a tomato-and-mozzarella salad, and I think I'm on the verge of dying. Seriously. I might just keel over. That was a hell of a lot of mozzarella. Damn you, Idol, and your post-dinner time slot! Damn you to hell!

*

Crap, I missed Ryan's tool-fest introduction. I was busy making tea.

Ryan: "The top six are going out of their comfort zones." Huh. What could that mean? The orchestra? Is that what's bringing them out of their comfort zones? What? I demand elaboration.

The top six are dressed in earth tones, for Earth Day I guess.

Tonight's theme is the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber, who, according to Ryan, is "with us tonight." Is that why the top six will be stepping outside of their comfort zones? I'm still lost.

Lord Andrew is one creepy-looking guy.

Lord Andrew, to the contestants: "I'm a composer, a'right?" Gotcha, Mr. Webber. You're a composer. A creepy composer, but a composer nonetheless. "I'm here to make things work for you. It's not the other way around."

Lord Andrew just quoted Shakespeare: "Words, words, words."

Randy thinks this will be the hardest night yet.

Paula: "There are still a few [contestants] that stand out. I don't know if this week will make it any easier for the ones who aren't in the forefront."

Simon: "Somehow they've got to make themselves sound memorable but also contemporary."

Randy adds, "And colorful."

Syesha, during her rehearsal with Lord Andrew: "Can I be, like, animated and stuff?"

Lord Andrew thinks Syesha could "be a completely different ingredient to the rest of the program."

Syesha's standing on a piano, wearing a tight red dress, gold earrings, and what appear to be pin curls. Mmmm . . .

Anyway, I thought she was eff-ing great, even without the slinky dress (which, let's face it, isn't hurting her at all).

Randy: "This may surprise you, but I feel tonight, not only is this your element, but I think you could be a huge Broadway star. I think that's your best performance to date, right there."

Paula: "This is truly a big part of your love. This is your happy place."

Simon agrees with Randy. He also tells Syesha that "that was very sexy."

Randy: "We're going to take a quick intermission." Isn't intermission the break that comes in the middle of a performance, not the one that comes one-fourth of the way in? Way to botch a theater metaphor, Ryan.

*

A commercial for Cloverfield, which is being released on DVD: "Declassified New Footage." Bite me.

And here's the House, "all new episodes," lack-of-hyphen thing.

A commercial for Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?: "2 Hour Event." Team Hyphen: 0. Team Suck: 2.

Dreadlocks is on the stools with Ryan. I am officially pretending that Dreadlocks is a lesbian.

Dreadlocks: "It was uh. It was kind of uuuuh, until now." (That's a direct quote, I swear to God.)

Lord Andrew, on having a man with dreadlocks perform "Memory": "It was a little bit of a jolt for this Brit."

Dreadlocks on his song choice: "I didn't know a cat was singing it." Did he know it was from a musical called, get ready for it, Cats?

Randy: "I do like one fact. I thought vocally for me, for me, it was a bit of a train wreck . . . Too much melody for me for you." For me. For you. For Paula. For Simon. For Ryan. For Lord Andrew. For Sarah Brightman. Forefront. Forehead. Formica. For the love of Pete.

Paula: "Everyone's so used to hearing this song by a power balladeer. And that's not who you are. But I think it was a very wise choice for you to do this song because it allows you to put your influence into it, and it further identifies your unique being as an artist."

Randy, about Dreadlocks: "He is a beautiful guy, though." And an even more beautiful lesbian. You know, if he were a lesbian, he and Syesha would make a really cute couple. Don't you think? 

Simon: "It came across as a guy being forced to sing a song . . . at a wedding."

Ryan calls Simon the "resident glamour-puss."

Ryan just said Yellow will be "singing from the heart" when we get back from commercial. Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up.

OK, let me go get my tea.

*

A Chevy commercial: "Best Selling Cars and Trucks." Team Hyphen: 0. Team Suck: 3.

A Nissan commercial: "SHIFT_performance." Is that an attempt to look techy?

OK, Yellow's singing "You Must Love Me" from Evita.

Lord Andrew: "I didn't think that girl had a clue what she was singing about." Oh, snap!

Yellow: "He looked into my eyes, and it was like, I got it."

Oh fuck. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. Yellow just forgot the words and told the band to stop four or five measures in. Now she's started again. I feel so keyed up suddenly, as if I just saw a car get rear-ended in the next lane.

Yellow is blowing it, blowing it. I'm thinking of all those words the judges love to throw around: pitchy, shrieky, cruise ship.

The fact that she's singing "You Must Love Me" will make it really sad if she gets voted off (or really funny, depending on your point of view). Can you imagine her having to sing that right before she's thrown off the show? It would be like when Michelle Kwan screwed up at the Olympics, got the bronze medal, and had to do her big finale skate to "Fields of Gold."

Randy: "For me, I mean this wasn't great . . . You need to believe what you're singing. I kind of got that, the vulnerability, but vocally, it was just a little tough."

Paula looks like she's bracing herself to deliver a eulogy. "You must never stop and start," she says. "Having said that, this is the biggest platform . . . and you're strong enough and great enough as an artist to pick up the pieces."

Simon: "It actually became quite uncomfortable, so this is a tricky one. I think you're going to be very disappointed when you watch this back." Really, Simon? You don't think she'll watch it back and pop open a bottle of pink champagne, or do a celebratory line of blow? Because that's what I thought would happen, until now, when you set me straight.

Ryan is talking to Yellow now. This is so hard to watch. She's going to cry. I can feel it. This is torture. Ryan: "So going back, starting the first time, what went wrong?"

Yellow: "I lost the lyrics. The first time I've done that on this show." Lost the lyrics. What a weenie way of putting it. I mean, I feel bad for her and everything, but just say you forgot them and be done with it. Because that's what you did—you forgot them. I guess it's a good thing she didn't say she misplaced them. That would have been worse.

Simon calls Yellow "brave" for stopping and starting over. Huh. This episode is so weird. When did Simon become captain of the pep squad?

Ryan: "It is live. You never know what's going to happen." Yes, Ryan, we know. It's live. We know.

A Ford commercial: "What we're doing allows us to literally see through the eyes of any driver." Whoever wrote that script has watched Being John Malkovich one too many times—and hasn't cracked open a dictionary enough times, but I digress.

*

A Target commercial: "THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX." I'm so tired of that saying.

A commercial for Ironman: Another date given as an ordinal. Why? Why!

*

Here's David Archuleta. He's on the stool next to Ryan's. He's being pimped. A handful of teenage girls just flocked on the stage and hugged him, at Ryan's request. David Archuleta looks highly uncomfortable. Wouldn't you if you were a closeted gay man being mauled by giggling schoolgirls?

Knock, knock. Come on out, little David. If Lance Bass did it, so can you.

Lord Andrew to David Archuleta: "There's two pieces of advice I would give to you. The first is open your eyes. The second is open your eyes."

His performance is boring the hell out of me. His fans will love it, but my mind keeps wandering. A side note: Last night I had a bizarre dream in which Jordin Sparks was at some public event—some held-in-a-civic-center kind of deal—and she was being a huge bitch, so much so that some news reporters who were covering the event called her out for being a diva. She started crying so much that she couldn't speak. Today, this was in the news. No shit.

OK, David Archuleta's done singing.

Randy: "You're exactly what this show is about . . . You even put your own persona . . . It was the bomb. This boy's the one to beat."

Paula thought it was absolutely perfect.

Simon: "I thought it was pleasant, one of your weakest performances . . . It was all a bit forgettable to me, sorry."

*

YES! Just when I'd lost faith in tonight's commercials, the AT&T Beta Band-cover commercial is here. (Note: I tried to find a clip of the commercial on YouTube, so I could post it here, but I didn't have any luck. If anyone else finds it, send me a link, and I'll upload it.)

A Comcast commercial: "High-Speed Internet." Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 3.

A Suzuki commercial: "Way of Life!" Extreme! Advertising!

Lord Andrew nixes Irish Girl's choice of some Phanton song. Because she has a "chest voice," he tells her to sing something out of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Lord Andrew: "I think the Irish eyes had it."

Whoa! Irish Girl is kicking some ass. Yeah, this is immensely better than whatever Splenda bullshit she was going to do before. I'm getting a Kelly Clarkson vibe from her. I'm even cool with the be-sure-to-wear-some-flowers-in-your-hair dress she's got on.

Randy: "Yo! Check it! It's no surprise to me that the bigger voices this year are doing better tonight. I don't know if this was your best performance, but it was good." He calls her outfit "fly."

Paula says something inane.

Simon: "Other than the fact that it got a little bit shouty in the middle, it was actually one of my favorite performances of the night." Uh! In your face David Archuleta.

Oh, more live-TV hijinks. Someone brings out a T-shirt for Irish Girl. It says "Simon Loves Me (This Week)." Ryan points out the importance of the parenthetical bit, and just when I'm about to be impressed that punctuation has been front and center on Idol, even if only for a few seconds, I look up to see that Ryan is portraying parentheses by making air quotes. Way to blow it, power tool.

A commercial for Singulair: "They tickle, they tease, and you sneeze." Rhymes in commercials = dumb.

*

Lord Andrew to David Cook: "I'm a gorgeous seventeen-year-old girl from the chorus line." Ummm . . .

David says it was strange having to sing into "Lord Webber's eyes." I hear you, man. That Lord Andrew freaks me out, too.

Some lyrics from David's song, "The Music of the Night": "Grasp it. Sense it." Heh. I've got a feeling David Archuleta's got something you can grasp.

These lyrics are bad: "Softly, deftly music shall caress you. / Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you."

Randy: "All right, so I've said it before, I'll say it again, in fact I said it earlier tonight . . . Another hot, molten hot, lava bomb tonight!"

Paula: "You have a beautiful instrument." Heh, heh. I bet David Archuleta would like to explore his beautiful instrument.

Simon: "I think you've made the most of the song. This is not the side of you I like. I much prefer the grittier side." Yeah, I bet David Archuleta agrees about . . . Eh, never mind. I've picked on the poor kid enough for tonight.

We're Here. We're Queer. Get Used to It: Grammar Idol (Part 5)

If Kristy Lee Cook doesn't get the ax this week, I'm going to throw a fit. She won't, of course. In a few minutes, she'll sing some eagles-flying, flags-waving, apple-pie-cooling-on-a-windowsill song, and people will vote for her. So I guess what I'm saying is: I'm going to throw a fit.

On her Idol page, here is how Kristy answers the who-are-your-influences? question:

Musical Influences: LeAnn Rimes was when she came out with Blue, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Whitney Houston.

I have a vision of LeAnn Rimes, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Whitney Houston, and some Pink-like singer (only with blue hair) riding with Dykes on Bikes in a Pride parade.

*

Was that Minnie Driver in the audience?

Ryan: "We're still feeling the shockwaves here" after the departure of the Aussie.

Ryan's suit looks kind of metallic. Syesha's wearing a gold dress, and Kristy's wearing some glittery, silver frock. Did everyone else miss the memo?

This week's mentor: Mariah Carey. I must admit, I'm intrigued.

According to Ryan, Mariah's newest single, "Touch My Body," is "resting comfortably" at the top of the charts.

Mariah (to the contestants): "Just look at me, like, whatever, that's my friend who sings for a living and writes songs occasionally."

Randy (earnestly): "I'm looking for IDENTITY. Who are YOU?"

David Archuleta's up first. Hmmm . . . I wonder if going first will screw him. Nah, he's singing "When You Believe." Mariah's advising him to go into his upper range. David Archuleta + inspirational pop + fals = safe.

Oh, David Archuleta has started singing, and I just remembered that not only Mariah Carey but also Whitney Houston performed this song the first time around. And they did it for a Disney cartoon. About Moses. And kittens. (OK, I made up that last part.)

Randy: "You can sing anything. That was the bomb, baby."

Paula: "It must feel great for Mariah to be able to hear your interpretation of the songs."

Simon: "I would have bet a million dollars on you choosing that song in advance. I thought it was very good . . . You've set the benchmark . . . Actually, I had a number one with that record in the UK, at Christmas." Excuse me? I'm having a David Brent moment.

Ryan is announcing that sometimes David Archuleta gets so nervous when he has to perform that he doesn't eat all day. Way to pimp him, Ryan—that whole cute-puppy-dog thing and all.

*

A commercial for Hell's Kitchen: "You move like a tortoise giving birth." Heh.

Ryan: "Live results tomorrow with a live performance from Mariah Carey." First, thanks for reminding us (not once but twice) that this is live, Ryan. Second, I'm glad the performance will be coming from Mariah Carey. Because I don't want to know what a performance to Mariah Carey would entail. Guitars played beneath windows? Gorilla grams?

The Irish Girl is totally eff-ing up her "on the stools" interview. She accidentally implied that the remaining contestants have no personality, but what she meant to say was that "MJ" (i.e., the Aussie) was "a goofball." Oh, well. At least she didn't say they were clinging to guns and God and xenophobia.

The Irish Girl says that Mariah is "like a big sunshine ray."

The Irish Girl is singing "Can't Live if Living Is Without You." (Am I getting the title right?)

I think she's doing well, but I kind of wish she'd put some new twist on the song. It basically sounds like she's copying Mariah, which sucks because I like her and want her to do well.

Oh my God. I'm actually getting invested in this show. Holy shit. (Ssssh! Don't tell my parents. I'll never hear the end of it.)

Randy: "Check this out. I like that you challenged yourself with that big song . . . The only thing is you need to believe and trust in yourself . . . It was pretty good. It was pretty good, pretty good."

Paula: "I actually think that I liked that you showed some vocal restraint . . . and swelled, and then soared." She swelled? You mean, like that blueberry kid in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

Simon: "I really wanted to hear you sing this song, even before Mariah week." Simon doesn't think she pulled it off, though. "Sorry, Carly, because I think you're capable of it. I think that you were holding yourself back . . . I thought it was an OK version." Simon has really cut down on the adverbing. Maybe he joined a support group. "Hi, I'm Simon, and I'm addicted to adverbs." "HI, SIMON."

*

A Target commercial spells flowerchild as one word. Is that correct? (They also spell goodbye "goodbuy," but I get the joke. I don't like the joke, but I get it.)

A Chrysler commercial: "CRASH TEST RATING." Hyphen!

A Comcast commercial: "Comcast High-Speed Internet." (Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 1.)

It's the "when I turned forty and pregnant in the same week" commercial for that company that mystifies me: Highmark. That "turning pregnant" bit never fails to annoy me.

A 'Til Death commercial uses a straight apostrophe again. Blah blah blah.

*

Syesha's up next.

Mariah: "I thought that Syesha was really cool. I thought she was really composed, and I thought she did a great job." You know, I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but Mariah's pretty well-spoken. Go figure.

Holy fuck. Syesha's kicking major ass. She actually made me forget that in the section of the song she's singing, she repeats the word vanishing so many times it has stopped sounding like a word and started sounding like some kind of chant.

Randy: "You did a good job on it, all things considered . . . There were a couple pitchy moments."

Paula: "Tonight was unbelievably magical for you, and you look great."

Simon: "Technically, it was very, very good indeed." And Simon has officially fallen off of the adverb wagon.

Ryan: "Coming up, we've got Brooke and Kristy, as they battle it out." What is this? American fucking Gladiators?

Ooooh! This AT&T commercial features the song "Squares" by the Beta Band, only it's some cover version. You should definitely check out the original sometime.

*

A Degree commercial is playing up a "Degree Girl's Ultimate OMG! Contest." I am not making this up.

A House commercial: "ALL NEW EPISODES." (Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 2.)

A commercial for Back to You: Patricia Heaton says, "I would rather put [my daughter] in a basket and float her down a river." This must be Moses night, not Mariah night.

*

Mariah calls Yellow "genuine, as a person." As opposed to genuine, as a leather wallet. She also tells Yellow: "I really felt like you meant the words from your heart." Oh sorry, Mariah, dear. Dolly already took that tack a few weeks back.

Yellow is singing "Hero." It's so boring, I haven't had the urge to look up from my computer once. It's like I'm at Mercury on High Street, paying more attention to my mojito than to whoever's playing piano in the background.

Randy: "I was really digging it, and really down, until the bridge . . . I appreciate the singer/songwriter look." What's the singer/songwriter look?

Paula: "Every ounce of you is totally authentic to who you are, and that's a beautiful thing. You're identifiable."

Simon: "It was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun." Yellow is making a half-quizzical, half-pouty look.

I hate her.

Ryan (to Randy): "Where would Mariah say that meat was in that song?"

Randy: "The meat's there."

Paula: "Where's the beef?"

And here comes Kristy. Forget lacking the meat. This girl's going to lack the bun, the plate, and the greasy-spoon diner.

Mariah on Kristy: "I really enjoyed Kristy Lee doing 'Forever' because (a) a lot of people don't know that song and (b) she really delivered it well." Once again, Mariah's pretty well-spoken.

Hmmm . . . She's trying for some country-esque arrangement (steel guitars and whatnot). A lyric from "Forever": "As long as I shall live, I'll hold you dear. And I will reminisce of our love all through the years from now." What is the difference between shall and will? I never can remember.

Randy said she "stepped it up" at the end but that the rest was mediocre.

Paula: "I think you're a very smart girl. 'I'm going to step it up.' Kristy Lee Cook, oh my God, I'm, like, blown away . . . You could have a hit with it in Country-Western World. It shows how much of a legacy Mariah Carey leaves." Then Paula descends into some sort of Mariah's-inspiring-young-people gush-fest that sounds like something I would say if I'd taken two doses of Xanax instead of one, right around the time I started thinking that my telephone looks hilarious ("Look at all the buttons! Tee hee!") and that my stapler is a jewel-like thing of beauty.

*

There's that annoying Shop 'n Save commercial again. That single apostrophe in 'n makes me crazy, as does the lowercase j in the tagline "just right." (That period is part of the quote, by the way.)

And there's the Michelle Paradise glowing-man-by-the-pool commercial again. Man, I need some fresh meat, all right. These commercials are getting old.

A commercial for 'Til Death and Back to You: A voiceover says, "The hour before Idol is going to be smoking-hot."

*

David Cook's up next.

David: "I think I'm taking another step outside the box with this song ['Always Be My Baby']."

Mariah thinks David sang the song "haunting, with your voice, and not resolving." I'm glad David's singing with his voice. Burping the song or performing it with armpit farts just wouldn't be appropriate in the presence of Miss "Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby" Carey.

David's version of the song is a rocker-showing-his-soft-side kind of thing. It's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" meets the theme song from The Heights. But I think I like it. God help me, I think I like it.

Randy: "Dude, you know what? I think more than almost anyone else on this show right now, you're ready to make a record . . . That was the most brilliant performance yet."

Paula: "That song could be in a movie soundtrack right now, and maybe it just will. You're it. You're it. You've got the whole package." (Huh. Maybe my "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"-meets-The Heights assessment wasn't too far off.)

Simon: "It's like coming out of Karaoke hell and into fresh air. It was original. It was daring. It stood out by a mile . . . Congratulations."

David Cook is in tears. Really, he is. You know, I hope he, and not David Archuleta, wins this thing. I mean, if I have to pick a horse to back, I'm putting my money on him.

*

A commercial for Venus Embrace has strange capitalization (e.g., "GODDESS OF Power"). Wait, haven't I already bitched about this commercial? This is starting to feel like Groundhog Day, only chances are, I won't get to make out with Andie MacDowell in the end.

*

Now it's Dreadlocks, wearing a coat of many colors. Once again, this is no longer Dolly week, people.

Mariah: Jason's about "getting the song to people's hearts." Mariah, don't let me down. I was talking about how well-spoken you are. Don't go pulling this "people's hearts" shit on me. Come on, help a girl out, will you?

Dreadlocks is singing an MTV Unplugged-sounding "I Don't Want to Cry." (There are conga drums involved.) Once again, the first time I glanced up from my computer to see Dreadlocks singing, he looked like a Tracy Chapman-esque lesbian. So from now on, I'm going to imagine that he is a Tracy Chapman-esque lesbian. This I decree.

Randy: "For me, I didn't really love it. I felt like I was at a weird beach luau and somebody was playing some music in the distance."

Simon announces that he doesn't know what a luau is.

Paula: "I'd like to be at that luau, listening all night long. You're getting so confident, and in that zone." That Paula, she's such a cougar.

Simon: "I'm going to have to agree with Paula . . . It was identified with you; it was a cool version. I've got to tell you, the guys completely won the night."

Ryan announces, "Apparently, Randy is craving poi and a coconut bra tonight." Thanks, Ryan. That's amazingly helpful.

Paula's closing comment before the recap: "He wants poi." I never thought poi could sound lewd, but boy howdy, it can.

Guys wanting poi. Guys complaining about there not being any meat. Dreadlocks the lesbian (wearing a rainbow jacket to his rehearsal with Mariah!). Dykes on Bikes. David Archuleta. Where's the shimmmery, rainbow background when we need it? Ladies and gentlemen, we are indeed somewhere over the rainbow.

Sweet.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

White Jeans Are Never a Good Sign: Grammar Idol (Part 4)

I just saw a promo that "Idol Gives Back" won't air until tomorrow. I guess that means I'm off the hook re: making fun of do-gooders. So now the only question is, what's today's theme?

*

I'm beginning to think that the pause Ryan leaves between "This" and "is American Idol" is going to get longer and longer the closer we get to the end.

Paula appears to be wearing some sort of prom dress.

Here come the final eight. Two people are wearing white jeans.

Tonight's theme is inspirational songs. Oh. My. God.

The Aussie is mumbling something about "if you believe it, you can achieve it."

Once again, he's wearing an ascot-like tie. Who thinks that's a good idea? He's singing "Dream On" by Aerosmith, which means he gets to (a) sing the words dream on approximately eighteen thousand times and (b) shriek like a banshee.

Randy says he had pitch problems and that he didn't like his song choice.

The Aussie responds: "I had to do it. You've got a forty-piece orchestra. What are you gonna do?" I know what you can do, Aussie: sing worth a damn.

Paula says she likes him (naturally).

Simon: "While I wasn't jumping out of my seat, I thought it was a bit wannabe-ish."

Randy asks the Aussie what message he wanted to get across by singing "Dream On," and I want to beat the living daylights out of him for prompting the Aussie to wax inspirationally: "It's about, like, you know, struggling live for years  . . . and dreams are coming true every night."

*

Kudos to the Ford commercial I'm watching right now. Its tagline is "Drive one." Capital D, lowercase o, terminal period.

Oh, and a L'Oreal commercial just correctly hyphenated "PATENTED ANTI-FADE FORMULA." Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 0.

And then DTVAnswers.com screws up our streak (if one win qualifies as a streak): "low power television stations." Way to suck, DTVAnswers.com. (Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 1.)

A Hell's Kitchen commercial is screaming at me in all caps. At least that seems kind of appropriate, given Chef Ramsay's oeuvre.

*

Syesha is singing "I Believe" by Fantasia. Blah blah blah, believing in yourself, blah blah blah, giving back how you can, blah blah blah. (God, this show is a real snoozer, even grammar-wise.)

A sample of this song's lyrics: "a hundred thousand dreams," "I believe in the impossible," "shine my light for all to see."

Syesha's taking it to church with a grand, falsetto ending. How much you want to bet one of the judges compliments her "fals"?

Randy: "She [Fantasia] has that special connection that I didn't find with this with you."

Paula: "You flipped it a little bit and made it all your own. I just think, hands down, this is one of your most shining moments."

Simon: "What it lacked, for me, was that big, big wave of emotion, which I got when Fantasia did it. Last week you did Whitney; this week you did Fantasia. I want to know who you are all about." Don't you mean what you are all about, Simon? Because I think we know who she's all about by now: Whitney and Fantasia. Isn't that the problem?

Oh, hell, it's Dreadlocks, talking about a ukelele, hope, dreams, dreams coming true, making a difference in the world, dreams coming true (again), and dreaming big.

He's doing Israel Kamakawiwo'ole cover of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and playing along (on said ukelele).

The rainbow background makes me think of a gay dance club, but aside from that, I must admit, I like the guy's perforance. Plus "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" has some beautiful lyrics. I know we've all heard the song a million times, but seriously, isn't this nice:

Where troubles melt like lemon drops.

I'm way above the chimney tops.

That's where you'll find me.

So vivid. Much better than "shine my light for all to see" or whatever.

Randy: "Dude, Jason Castro is back in the hut. That was crazy molten hot."

Simon calls him fantastic.

Maybe the rainbow background has gotten to me, but in the parting shot, I think Dreadlocks looks like a butch lesbian. Somehow, I think I'd find him more interesting if that were the case—you know, if he were some Tracy Chapman type.

*

In a commercial for some healthcare something or other, a man just said "change on behavior" instead of "change in behavior." Since I was busy typing, I didn't see what the commercial was for or who the guy was supposed to be (a doctor? a med student?).

House has four "all new episodes" coming up. (Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 2.)

Now Kristy is yammering on about "pouring out your soul" and "giving everything you have" and doing what's right.

She's singing, I think, a Martina McBride song. She's also one of the girls wearing white jeans (Syesha was the other).

Lyrics: "I dream / I dream / I love / Anyway." E. Y. Harburg wouldn't stand for that shit.

Randy and Paula both liked her. Simon thinks she's "very, very good indeed." He adds, "Tonight . . . tonight you look like a star, Kristy . . . Good on you."

Ryan: "Coming up, we're powering it up" with David and the Irish Girl.

*

A New Balance commercial: "You broke up with running last week. Now you see running everywhere, looking really, really good." Heh. I like it.

A Wendy's commercial: "If hamburgers were meant to be frozen, wouldn't cows come from Antarctica?" And if advertising agents were making tons and tons of money, wouldn't they feel motivated to make decent commercials?

*

Simon is calling some guy "the real Dark Lord of American Idol." I'm confused.

David is giving his preamble: "Everybody has a good side, and you have to embrace it to be comfortable in your skin in this world." Actually, considering the theme that was foisted on him, that's not a bad little speech.

David, who must have been inspired by Syesha's and Kristy's white jeans, is wearing a white jacket. His song seems to be called "We Are Innocent." At least, those are the words he keeps screaming into the microphone. At the song's end, David opens his hand in front of the camera to reveal that he's written "give back" on his palm. Who does he think he is? Bono Jr.?

Randy's underwhelmed.

Paula's blabbing on and on in a sunshiny way.

Simon calls his performance a "teensy-weensy bit pompous." Thank you, Simon.

Oh, fuck. Paula is now drawing attention to the words written on David's hand, giving him another opportunity to show them off to the camera. Great. Because, you know, before I saw what he'd written on his hand, I was going to throw eggs at the next homeless person I see, but now I don't think I will. I'm going to give back.

The Irish Girl's preamble includes her memory of watching Freddie Mercury on Live Aid when she was a little girl. At least that's a specific detail and not just a lot of feel-good pap.

The Irish Girl's song (which is by Queen and called, possibly, "The Show Must Go On") includes some lyric about butterflies. I guess it was only a matter of time before somebody sang about butterflies.

Her outfit looks much better today than last week, I'll give her that.

Randy: "It was just OK for me . . . Another big tiger to take on."

Even Paula seems to think it was meh.

Simon: "You look good." Simon thought her song choice was strange, that she over-sang it, and that her performance came across as angry. He predicts that she might be "in trouble" after tonight.

Ryan: "In a few moments, David Archuleta, live." As if the other performances weren't live. Or as if everyone out in TV Land has forgotten that this show wasn't filmed on a sound stage three weeks ago.

*

A Colgate commercial: "a healthy whole mouth clean." (Team Hyphen: 1. Team Suck: 3.) Come on, Team Hyphen! We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!

A commercial for Whiteman and Burdette LPPC: "Million Dollar Advocates Forum." Is that really how the organization's name is supposed to appear (without any hyphens)? Apparently so: I just googled it, and that's how it appears on their official Web site. I still don't like it, though.

*

And here's our closeted preadolescent, David Archuleta. "It's been pretty crazy this week, but it's been a blast," says David. It seems that they keep giving David Archuleta a lot of screen time. He's always on "the stools" with Ryan.

David Archuleta's preamble includes comments on "the power of the song," "the message of it," and "a light at the end of the tunnel."

Oh Jesus, he's playing the piano while he sings, and there's a FOG MACHINE behind him. What. The. Fuck.

OK, I just realized what his song is: "I'm Loving Angels Instead."

Now, don't get me wrong: I hate this guy. But I hate him for the same reasons I hated the girl who won Idol last season, which means I wouldn't be surprised if he won, too. I have a very low tolerance level for sweet, goose-pimply, inspirational songs, but a lot of people love them, and the whole sweet, goose-pimply, inspirational thing is David Archuleta's bailiwick. He's staying.

Randy: "That was your hottest moment the whole year. Crazy crazy hot!"

Paula: "You know what? That sums it up for me."

Simon: "Best song choice of the night so far."

*

An Applebee's commercial: "Pick ‘n Pair." I am so writing Applebee's an e-mail.

*

Yellow is singing Carole King's "You've Got a Friend." Oh, she said she sang it in a talent show before, with some of her friends. That means she's been singing this song for years. In front of a mirror. Into a hairbrush.

Yup. She's kicking ass. Right now, in the next county over, my mother is totally eating this up right now. She's probably singing along. In fact . . .

I just called my mom and confirmed that, yes, she was singing along. I knew it.

Randy: "I like that. Yeah, what?"

I can't hear what Paula's saying because now I've got my mom on the phone.

And now I've missed what Simon was saying. Fuck.

And now we're at the recap.

For what it's worth, here's who I think will be in trouble next week: Syesha and the Irish Girl. And here's who will sail through: Dreadlocks, David Archuleta, and Yellow. Sucks about the Irish Girl and David Archuleta, but since I thought Dreadlocks's song had the best lyrics, and since I thought Syesha's had the worst, I guess I can be OK with that at least. And when Yellow's still standing at the end of Thursday, my mom will be happy, which is, you know, something.

P.S.: I've been drawn into Hell's Kitchen, which follows Idol, and when Chef Ramsay was holding a portion of raw halibut, the weight of which would determine who would win a challenge, the voiceover said that the team's fate was "literally" resting in Chef Ramsay's hand. Un-fucking-believable.

I'm OK, You're OK: Grammar Idol (Part 3)

Idol's not even on yet and I'm already annoyed.

A commercial is on for Highmark, some sort of Pittsburgh-area medical-service-center thing. (I've never been able to figure out what exactly Highmark is, even though I see the company's advertisements constantly.) A woman looks toward the camera and says that she turned to Highmark "when [she] turned forty and pregnant—in the same week." OK, I'll give you turned forty, but have you ever heard anyone say she "turned pregnant"?

Anyway, now Ryan Seacrest is saying some April Fools' Day bullshit about the show being preempted. Har har. Everybody's a comedian.

*

Tonight's mentor is Dolly Parton (my parents were right). Ryan calls her "an icon" and says that her career is "red hot." Who writes this stuff?

Ryan on Dolly: "She's made her mark on both television and in films." Bad parallelism, Ryan.

Dolly's singing with the contestants now ("9 to 5"), and I'll be damned if her voice doesn't sound great. I've got to give her that.

Yellow is singing "Jolene." Good. "Jolene" is my favorite Dolly song.

Dolly thought Yellow felt the song "from an honest place." Hmmm . . . I'm having a therapy moment (e.g., "Where are these feelings coming from, Yellow? From an honest place? From an insecure place?").

Ah, forget it. I can't hate on Dolly. She's Dolly.

I will, however, hate on Yellow. Her performance is a snoozer, and her eyeshadow matches her shirt (bright blue). At least she doesn't have just one friend anymore. When the camera panned to the audience, it didn't say "Brooke's Family and Friend"; it just said, "Brooke's Family." Of course, I suppose that could mean she has no friends, but that seems unlikely. Anyone that yellow must have tons and tons of friends.

Paula: "You. Are. Brooke. White. Excellent. And wonderful." Domi arigato, Paula Roboto.

Simon: "You looked like you were busking your way through the song."

Paula: "You know what, Brooke. You are loved. You are fine." This is beginning to feel like a Very Special Episode of Idol.

*

A commercial for Simply Orange orange juice: Simply Orange is offering an "Orange Back Guarantee"; if you don't like their juice, they'll give you a bag of oranges. OK, first of all, that sounds like the premise of a gag commercial on SNL. And second of all, "Orange Back" needs a hyphen.

A commercial for our old favorite, 'Til Death. Again with the straight apostrophe. I swear, I'm going to send Fox a letter and see what's up with that.

*

David Cook will be doing "his own arrangement" of Dolly's "Little Sparrow."

Dolly: "He doesn't mind reaching for it, and when he reaches for it, he catches it." I'm not sure what Dolly's referring to. The mood of the song? A little sparrow? A bottle of hair gel tossed from a ski lift? The flu?

So this is David's arrangement. I'm not feeling it. It's like microwaved Collective Soul.

Randy: "Yo, yo, David. Check it out." He calls David's performance "hot" and praises his "fals" (i.e., falsetto).

Paula: "I like your haircut. Ah-ha!" She also compliments David on his "fals." When did fals become an acceptable stand-in for falsetto? Is this some music-speak thing I'm not familiar with?

Simon liked him, too. The three of them must see something I don't. Or maybe they're all on drugs.

Now it's Ramiele.

Dolly on Ramiele: "The fact that she's little ain't gonna stop her from doing good things." (I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And, doggone it, people like me.)

What is Ramiele wearing? It looks like something a barmaid would wear. I guess the more important question is, why is she singing so suckily? She's enunciating so poorly that it's hard to make out the words, she keeps pausing (as if she's having trouble remembering the lyrics), and she's flat. Ick.

Randy: "I wasn't jumping up and down, but I'm not mad at you." What'd he do, put money on her performance?

Paula (pumping her first in the air): "You really had a great minute and thirty seconds, and you really con-nec-ted with the audience."

Simon calls her performance forgettable and reminiscent of a show on a cruise ship.

Ramiele says she was "firking out" when she had to sing in front of Dolly. Have we gone from freaking to fricking to firking now? At any rate, I think it's long past time for Ramiele to firking go.

*

A commercial for Dove: a bar of soap is called "energizing." I find this a particularly strange word choice.

Hold the phone! I'm pretty sure Michelle Paradise is in the Comcast commercial that's playing right now. Yeah, I'd swear that was her, sitting next to a pool, drying her hair, and talking to a man who is glowing in a fiber-optic-Christmas-motionette kind of way.

Dreadlocks is up now. Dolly says she would "dread to have to do his locks." Tee hee.

Dolly says that by picking "Traveling Through," Dreadlocks "is going a little bit outside of himself."

Damn. He's rocking it. He annoys the piss out of me, but he's really kicking ass. Congratulations, Dreadlocks. You're staying for another week. The first three measures were enough to convince me of that.

Randy: "Yo, check it out. I thought it started off a little bit rough." What? "It was pretty good. You worked it out." What! He's done the best of anyone so far.

Paula loved it. No surprise there.

Simon says he didn't like it at all. "It sounded, actually, like the same song as before. I don't think you sang it particularly well. I don't think this kind of music suits you particularly well." WHAT!

Next up, the Irish Girl. She's singing "Here You Come Again."

Dolly on the Irish girl's rehearsal: "She killed it, I thought." It's kind of cool to hear Dolly say "killed it."

Holy fuck, the Irish Girl is making this song her bitch. She's vaguely Martina McBride-ish, even. Wow. She's good enough to make me forget about her tacky red pants (bless her heart). Or maybe it's the Amy Winehouse effect: maybe I'm just falling for her tats.

Randy: "I do believe that that will be one of the better performances of the night." I know everyone says better when they mean among the many that are great but not the best, but is that really correct? Can you use better that way now, or is it still only supposed to be used for describing . . .  well, the better of two items?

Paula, sounding ever so slightly orgasmic: "That was glorious. That voice of yours. Oh my God!"

Simon thought it was good but not great. Whoa! He dinged her for her wardrobe, too. At least I'm not alone in my opinion.

Simon: "I didn't think that was a blow-you-out-of-your-seats performance."

*

Santana and Mariah Carey are hocking Macy's shoes and Mariah's "fragrance." Why doesn't anyone say perfume or cologne anymore? Why fragrance?

A commercial for Olay: "14 Day Skin Intervention." Hyphen!

*

Ryan is giving David Archuleta the full workup.

David: "Listening to the song, it just totally gave me chills."

Dolly says his rehearsal almost brought her to tears.

Yeah, he's staying. It's the familiar smooth tones of David Archuleta that a million squealing girls and a billion sexually confused boys have come to know and love.

Randy: "Yo! David Archuleta. Guess what, baby. David Archuleta is back, and I stand corrected: that was the best performance of the night."

Paula: "You have a beautiful aura about you. You're just glorious."

Simon calls him "absolutely on the money."

Yup, he's staying.

Now it's Kristy, and she's sucking up to Dolly, calling her pretty.

Dolly, after hearing Kristy's rehearsal: "Aw, your mama's gonna be so proud of you."

The poor man's Diana DeGarmo gives a solid, if meh, performance. I think she was on the verge of giggling when she had to sing breeches. Her pitch is a little wobbly, but on the whole, she seems to take to the genre.

Randy: "All right. Check it. Country music is your wheelhouse—definitely your wheelhouse."

Paula thinks this is Kristy's best performance.

Simon totally disagrees. He thought last week was her best performance and that this one was "pleasant but forgettable."

*

A commercial for Tina Fey's new movie, Baby Mama, uses an ordinal in its release date: "April 25th." Why is that?

A Maybelline commercial: "No Clump Mascara." Hyphen!

I just noticed that Shop 'N Save only has an apostrophe before the n, not after it. That can't be right, can it?

An Obama commercial: "Windfall profits penalty." HYPHEN! Windfall profits penalty makes it sound as if the penalty, not the profits, could be the thing that came on like a windfall.

*

Syesha is going to sing "I Will Always Love You." And her rehearsal sounds fantastic. Dolly praises its simplicity but says that Syesha did "what Whitney Houston added," too. Let's see what that means.

Huh. I liked it until the Whitney part. I mean, who's going to hold a candle to Whitney when she does the "AND I . . . " part that comes after that long rest and that drumbeat? Syesha's ending was nice though.

Randy: "You took on the biggest tiger of the night." He thought it was OK but not great.

Paula liked her.

Simon liked the first half of her performance (a la Dolly) but was underwhelmed by the second (a la Whitney).

She's safe, though. No doubt about it.

*

A PC-versus-Mac commercial: PC guy is in therapy. He just said something about having a breakthrough. I'm telling you, I knew this was going to end up being therapy night.

A commercial for Nasonex: "More Symptom-Free Days." Talk about a breakthrough.

A commercial for Hell's Kitchen: "For one year, the beast has slept . . . Now, he's awake, and he's hungry." Yuck.

*

Dolly says she can tell Michael was a "genuine fan" of her music, only the way she says genuine, the last syllable rhymes with wine. I remember hearing that kind of inflection when I lived in Arkansas.

Whoa, they got Michael up there fast. They hardly showed any of his rehearsal or his dream-come-true banter with Dolly.

He's singing his ass of, though. However, he's wearing some weird ascot-like tie. No matter. The electric guitar and piano backing him up are the perfect touch, and to use Dolly's parlance, he killed the ending.

Randy: "You keep on bringing it up every week a notch. That was a blazing-hot performance."

Paula: "You're a star, a rock star, a blues star." A pulsar. A supernova. A white dwarf.

Simon: "I think that this is the best I have heard you sing."

And I think that this is the best I have heard the judges talk. They were, for the most part, coherent. I think it's because the show was crammed into a one-hour time slot, so they didn't have a lot of time to yammer.

Oh! A promo for Hell's Kitchen, which starts tonight, began moments ago, and one of the contestants just said, "I don't think stupider is actually a word." Whoever she is, I hope she wins. I mean, she's wrong, but I still hope she wins. OK, I'd better close my laptop or else I'll never quit typing.

I've Died and Gone to Coincidence Heaven: Grammar Idol (Part 2)

Idol is back, and so am I, only since I'm not sponsored by Coke, I'm free to drink Woodchuck Draft Cider while I listen to potentially cringe-worthy renditions of Carpenters songs or Selena songs or Tin Pan Alley songs or whatever the theme is this week.

*

Ah, there's Ryan, trying to sound dramatic and un-tool-like: "The countdown [pause] to the finale [pause] has begun."

Oi! I think they may have just shown a closeup of the stars of 'Til Death in the audience! How fitting.

Ryan, introducing the contestants: "Here they are. The faces you love." As if this is a modeling competition, or a who-can-Noxzema-the-best? competition. Or as if we're being assaulted by disembodied faces—as if this were some kind of 1950s horror flick.

Tonight's theme is "the year they were born."

Ramiele just said that "she looked bomb" when she was a kid. Huh. I guess bomb is an adjective now (when I was in high school, it was just a noun, as in "Karaoke is the bomb").

Ramiele is singing "Alone" by Heart. It's so bad, I just turned my volume down. Really. Oh God, it is bad.

Randy keeps using softeners; he keeps ending his negative comments with "to me." I feel as if I just read an article about that. Hmmm . . .

Paula sounds ill. Randy claims to be ill and has said that Ramiele is also ill. Simon, however, appears to be in perfect health. He also appears to be carved entirely out of Spam.

Ramiele said, "It went bye-bye," meaning she lost her voice. Only she never actually uses the word voice. She just says "it." So, if it hadn't been for Ryan clarifying what she meant, we'd all be left to wonder what went bye-bye (her confidence? her anonymity? her fans? her natural hair color?).

*

Dreadlocks (i.e., Jason) says that he is an Aries. Then he says, "Aries? I feel like I'm saying that wrong." I can't stand this guy.

Dreadlocks: "When I was like three or four, me and my brother got some instruments." Oh, really, Dreadlocks? That's great to hear. If only you'd gotten some Little Golden Books or a children's illustrated dictionary.

God, this Woodchuck is making me type so slowly. Blah.

Simon: "That was the equivalent of someone busking outside of a subway station." I love busking. (That is, I love the term busking. I would not love having to busk. However, I guess blogging could be considered a form of busking. Maybe.)

Ryan (to Dreadlocks): "Are you taking [the show] seriously?"

Dreadlocks: [Pause] "Yeeeeeah." Way to sound convincing, DL.

*

I stopped to drink some more Woodchuck and missed Syesha's talky-talky interlude. Something about dance costumes and sequins. Anyway . . .

Syesha is singing what I'm pretty sure is a Gladys Knight cover: "If I Was Your Woman." If we're being technical here, shouldn't the song title be in the subjunctive—"If I Were Your Woman"?

Regardless, I have to say, I liked her performance.

Randy: "I think this is the best you've sounded, to us." Again with the softener at the end.

Paula: "Syesha flipped it and became the dark horse and is going to sail on through." The only thing more jumbled than that metaphor is Paula's many, many bracelets.

Paula: "[Syesha] was creating magic on that center spot." Tee hee. I should really get my mind out of the gutter before I drink Woodchuck and blog about Idol.

*

A commercial for a movie called Stop-Loss: In the preview, one of the characters says, "You've been stop-lossed." When did stop-loss become a verb? Come to think of it, does the noun form have a hyphen in it, or is that just what happens when it gets turned into a verb?

There's that damn "Gift Check" Comcast commercial again.

And, oh my God, it's a commercial for 'Til Death. That must have been them in the audience.

*

Ryan called the audience "friends" and Chikezie his "buddy" in the span of two sentences. Makes me think of a youth minister.

Whoa! Chikezie was born on September 11 (in 1985, that is).

Chikezie called himself "an adult . . . or whatever you want to call me." Fair enough. How about "permanent adolescent"? How about "resident of Neverland"? How about "I don't want to grow up; I'm a Toys R Us kid"?

Whatever song Chikezie is singing includes the words "safe and warm." Nothing irks me more than "safe and warm." I could even get behind that song Mr. "I Can Feel It Coming In the Air Tonight" did for Tarzan, if not for the bit about my love keeping you safe and warm.

Randy: "I didn't love it for you, man. I didn't love it." For us. For me. For you.

Paula: "I think you did amazing with the texture of your vocals."

Simon: "I think the performance was actually very cheesy . . . It's all very . . . Actually, it's not Chikezie. You're singing it to yourself." More adverbs.

*

Commercial for Kohl's: The song in the background keeps saying, "We're all in this together." Annoying.

Commercial for Colgate: "12 hour germ fighting." People, people, hyphens please, hyphens!

*

We're back.

Ryan tells us that, on iTunes, "you can exclusively download" tonight's performances. I feel so honored. How nice of iTunes to treat me like I'm Britney Spears and give me exclusive access to its wares while all the little people have to make do with holding tape recorders up to their television sets.

Here's Yellow (i.e., Brooke), my mom's favorite. I guess I can kind of see the Carly Simon resemblence. Or maybe that's the Woodchuck talking.

Totally boring performance. Ick.

The camera flipped to the audience to show a closeup of "Brooke's Family and Friend." Poor, poor Yellow. Why does she only have one friend? At least on MySpace, you get that Tom guy as a freebie.

Simon: "That actually would have sounded much more cool . . . Definitely good enough to keep you one more week."

*

A Lowe's commercial: "I think you're a big eater, am I wrong?" I'm telling you, I read an article about tags like that (e.g., "am I wrong?") recently. Ugh. Now someone in the commercial just made a horrible pun (rare versus arrrrrr). Who knew sixteenth-century peasants were the target demo for Lowe's?

A Suzuki commercial: The tagline "Way of Life!" is positioned under the Suzuki logo. Thanks for that exclamation point, Suzuki. If that won't make me want to buy your car, nothing will.

A Mercedes-Benz commercial just told me to see my "Mercedes Benz Dealer." More egregious capitalization. (And why no hyphen?)

*

The Aussie (i.e., Michael) is up next. His parents are adorable. They look as if they just walked off of a frozen-pie-crust label.

The Aussie is doing "We Will Rock You." Could he have picked a cheesier Queen song? Oh, wait. It's a Queen medley: now he's doing "We Are the Champions." I guess that answers my question.

Wow. That was shit.

My jaw just dopped (really). Randy loved the performance. Paula called this the Aussie's "shining moment." Also: "Knowing you could pick a song from the year you were born, and knowing you could do that, I bet you were dying." Where are Elton John and Tim Rice when you need them?

Simon said this was the first time he saw real star power in the Aussie.

I just don't get it. I thought it sucked. I like the Aussie and all, but I thought it sucked.

Now it's the Irish Girl (i.e., Carly). She was named for Carly Simon because, according to her mom, when she (her mom, not Carly) was on her way to the hospital to give birth (to Carly, obviously), Carly Simon came on the radio.

Oooooh. "Total Eclipse of the Heart." I remember skating to a cover of this song in my garage when I lived in El Paso.

Whoa. That back-up singer is fantastic. Why isn't she a contestant?

I am so jealous of Carly's tats.

I love how Carly's Irish accent pops out here and there (for example, when she sings the long o in only).

Oh, wait. Fuck. She just fouled up the lyrics. It's "powder keg," not "power keg," Carly. Damn. And I was starting to like her. Maybe the judges didn't notice. Let's see . . .

Randy: "Yo, yo." Uh-oh. That means he didn't like it. (Nope. He didn't.)

Simon: "Something didn't quite work . . . You were almost uptight . . . I'm kind of again with Randy on this."

Um. Wait. Carly just said she went to the bathroom before she came out to sing. The audience fell silent. Ryan asked her if she flushed. I'm so confused. What just happened? Carly! CARLY!!! Things not to talk about when you're on Idol: 1) Bowel movements.

*

A Ford Focus commercial: "39 Month Red Carpet Lease." Hyphens, people!

An Alvin and the Chipmunks commercial: On "April 1st," the movie will be released on DVD. Really, why the attraction to ordinals when it comes to showing dates in commercials? Does it make them easier to read? I don't get it.

A commercial for The Moment of Truth is screaming at me: "DESPERATE." "RUTHLESS." "MOST SHOCKING."

*

David Archuleta is up. He just said he was born in 1990. It's official: I feel old.

A few seconds ago, Ryan was teasing David about if he'll be going to Prom and, if so, who he'll be taking with him. David said, "I don't want to say." I thought that might mean he was gay and didn't want to come out on national television (particularly on Fox). I had the world's smallest celebration in my head. But then Ryan said, with a knowing look, "Someone close to your father, maybe?" Before they panned to the audience to show who was sitting next to David's dad (David's girlfriend, I presume), I swear to God I was like, "What? His mom? What?"

Or, maybe the girl they showed was his beard. That's how I'm going to spin it.

Randy: "If you can sing, you can sing whatev-uh."

Paula: "You couldn't have picked an American composer?" She tries to play it off as a joke, but I think she was kind of serious.

Simon: "I thought [your performance] was actually reminiscent of a theme park performance. It's one of those ghastly songs you sing when you've got, like, those animated creatures with you and everyone joins in." Throw another actually on the barbie. But seriously: I love the bit about "those animated creatures." Simon's my fave.

*

Heh! It's that "dillweed" commercial again. That still makes me laugh. I'm so mature.

A promo for a movie called Forgetting Sarah Marshall just announced that the movie was made by the same people who did The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Thank you! Was that so hard?

A Dodge commercial: "best-selling minivans." I think the dictionary lists "bestselling," but hey, at least it's not "best selling minivans." I'll take it.

A V8 commercial: "Low Sodium V8 100% Vegetable Juice." Thus ends hyphen's winning streak.

*

Kristy (i.e., the poor man's Diana DeGarmo) is talking about her "daughter-father song." Interesting. I wonder why "father-daughter" became the standard, instead of "daughter-father."

Holy mother of Christ. Kristy is singing "God Bless the U.S.A." Behind her, the glory-days-of-Hollywood screen is covered in stars. The flag still stands for freedom. They can't take that away.

At least when she got to the part about standing up next to you, she was already standing up. I mean, wouldn't that have sucked if she waited until that moment to get up from her stool in the center of the stage?

This song is giving me a major case of déjà vu. In middle school, they played this every morning over the intercom. It's by Lee Greenwood; I know that without even having to google it.

Randy says, "Great song choice. I love that song." What?

Paula: "A very poignant . . . song. A very good choice for you. To me, I've seen better performances from you . . ." What is this? Nobody wants to bash America?

Simon: "Kristy, your best performance by a mile . . . That was the most clever song choice I've heard in years." Hmmm . . . He's got a point. She's staying. Fucking patriotic-song bullshit. (I really don't like Kristy in general, and I want her to go.) Kristy is waving at the audience. She's yelling thank you. I halfway expect her to thank the troops.

The Prom Night commercial is back. It's still showing the date as an ordinal. Of course it is.

A commercial for AT&T: "mail-in rebate." Nicely done, AT&T.

A commercial for the local news: "10:00PM." I wish I could nudge that "PM" over one space—just reach up there and flick it like a paper football.

Here's the 'Til Death commercial. The apostrophe before Til is now the perfectly straight kind, thereby eliminating the problem of it pointing the wrong way. Sneaky bastards.

*

David Cook is the final contestant. I can't figure out if he or the Irish Girl is my favorite, but the fact that David is doing a cover of "Billie Jean" might get me to tilt in his favor.

Hold up. It's an acoustic version. A slow, grand, acoustic, emo version. It's Michael Jackson meets Nickelback meets My Chemical Romance. I didn't like it, but I found it interesting. And if I were seventeen, I'd love it. I'd probably be kissing my TV screen right now. And that probably means he kicked some serious ass.

Randy: "Yo, yo." That's doesn't sound promising. Hey, what's this? A fake out! "You might be the one to win the whole lot," he goes on to say.

Paula's praise is so effusive she has to stand up and make pigeon-y motions with her hands.

Simon calls David amazing. He doesn't even rely on actually to say so. Yup. Serious ass-kicking.

Ryan just made it official: those were the 'Til Death people in the audience. I knew it. I'd know that nausea anywhere.

Gearing up for Part 2 of "Grammar Idol"

Last week, America sent Amanda Overmeyer home. I feel compelled to point out that Amanda was my dad's favorite; he swore that he would never watch Idol again after she was kicked off. However, my mom favors Brooke White, whom she likens to Carly Simon, so she's still game. And, when you get right down to it, I'm pretty sure my dad's still game, too. It's like when Bush got reelected: all my friends vowed to move to Canada, and none of them actually did.

The grammatical low point of Amanda's online Q&A: "I have a best friend for a fiance and future is looking good."

The grammatical high point: "I don't know if this makes me different, but I plan on listening [to] and learning from the professionals who are experienced and know what they are doing." I know I had to insert the "to" after "listening," but the fact that she didn't use a comma to split either of the compound predicates in two is genuinely impressive (to me at least, since I spend much of my time correcting that very error when I'm at my day job).

Yo, Scope, and Actually: Grammar Idol (Part 1)

So Idol’s about to start, and I’m wolfing down a plate of mac-and-cheese.

Since this is live-blogging, I won’t be editing as I go along (hence, I won’t be italicizing Idol), but I will clean this post up later.

OK, time for more mac-and-cheese.

*

Ryan just said the theme this week is the Beatles. How can I in good conscience talk smack about Beatles lyrics? It’s like talking smack about Shakespeare’s plays.

Ryan’s now introducing the contestants.

Chikezie? What? Who is this Chikezie person? Is this for real?

Randy just said that “there is a vast number of songs” the contestants can choose from. Should it be is or are? Should the verb go with number (singular) or songs (plural)? Huh.

Now there’s a sign in the audience: “SiMON IS S-E-X-Y.” Why the lowercase i? Why? WHY? I know the sign makers are probably, like, twelve years old, but still . . .

*

Amanda, the first contestant of the night, is talking now. I guess she’s some kind of Bonnie Raitt, Janis Joplin type. Anyway, she just said that she’ll “definitely put my own rock kick to [the song].” What preposition should someone use after put my own kick?

Enunciate, Amanda, darling! Enunciate! Seriously, what is she saying? My love of blues music is making me take a descriptivist approach and embrace the poor enunciation, but my prescriptivist tendencies are putting their own kick to my opinion. Her consonants are like under-chilled Jell-O.

“You are a quintessential, authentic who you are,” says Paula. And we’re off and running.

Hmmm . . . Simon likes adverbs, doesn’t he: otherwise, actually. I can just feel it. He’s a total adverb whore.

Wait, hold up, did Amanda just say “shit” (i.e., “that shit looks like fun”)? Nah. Can’t be.

*

In some kind of cell-phone commercial (the orange-themed one with the five bars): A father wearing some truly tragic flannel is using a flashlight to snoop around a parked car. The father’s spokesman twin is standing nearby, speaking into the camera. The spokesman twin warns Flannel Man’s daughter that because her text didn’t go through (damn that bad reception!), she’ll be “the girl with the crazy father who no one wants to date.” Whatever happened to whom? Is whom now on the same level as shall—words that are too pretentious for salt-of-the-earth, relatable types to use? And, more importantly, what teenager would want to date anyone’s crazy father?

9/8c, 8/7c: When did this become an acceptable way to depict the times shows will air? Ew!

*

“Kristy Lee Cook is with us right now on the stools,” says Ryan. Either he should say “with me right now on the stools” or “with us right now in the studio.” Each audience member is not sitting on a stool, and Kristy is not sitting on two stools simultaneously.

Kristy says, “I’m going to sing with my heart, and hopefully America will like it.” How do grammarphiles feel about using hopefully that way? Is it accepted usage now? Are prim-and-proper, collar-buttoning, under-sexed, Consumer Reports readers the only ones who still eschew it? Not that I think Kristy is a shining example of English usage, of course.

Simon: “It’s like musical wallpaper.” I like that metaphor. This Simon is growing on me.

Kristy: “Hopefully something good came out of it, and hopefully I’ll be back next week.” Again with the hopefully’s.

Whoa! Kristy just made a joke about blowing Simon out of his socks. She is now, seconds later, giggling as they flash her call-in number on the screen. I think she just realized she made a fellatio joke. Hee.

Now it’s some kid who looks to be all of ten years old. David Archuleta.

“Hopefully I’ll remember all my words today,” says David. “Hopefully [forgetting the lyrics will] be a thing of the past for me, from now on.” Christ, this should be a drinking game. Whenever someone says hopefully, take a shot of Jager.

Now I’m craving Jager. Shit.

David’s done singing. Randy says, “David Archuleta brought the hotness back to his game tonight.” No comment.

I honestly don’t know what Paula just said. I was distracted by her horrible bangs.

Simon: absolutely, so. More adverbs. I’m telling you, he likes them; he does. He also likes to use the word mess; I’ve heard it twice already, and we’re only twenty-nine minutes in.

David looks to be on the verge of tears. I like his brown jacket though. I could totally rock that jacket. That and a pair of cowboy boots. Oh, yeah . . .

*

An Old Navy commercial just listed a URL as “oldnavy.com / next.” Why the spaces around the slash? Is it a design thing or what? Screw that, I think it’s ridiculous. If you’re going to do that, increase the tracking around the dot between oldnavy and com, too.

A Comcast commercial just splashed “$100 Gift Check” across the screen. What’s a gift check? Why not just say “$100 Check”? What’s next? A gift newspaper? A gift continental breakfast?

A Pizza Hut commercial just called its pizzas “hand-crafted.”

Oh! There’s Lauren Ambrose. The Return of Jezebel James? What’s that? I have the total hots for Lauren Ambrose!

Oh. My. God. Ryan is doing some kind of iPhone commercial / lecture / tent revival. However, the judges are toasting him with their Coke glasses, as if to say, “If we’re going to do this promo thing, let’s play it to the hilt.” I must admit, I appreciate the humor.

*

Michael just called “A Day in the Life” “John Lennon’s and Paul McCartney’s masterpiece.” Should it be “John Lennon and Paul McCartney’s masterpiece”? I honestly don’t know what the rule is. When do you make both names (or nouns or whatever) possessive, and when do you just make the second one possessive? Anyway, my gut reaction is that he’s right. Or maybe I’m just being seduced by his Australian accent. Mmmmm . . .

Randy says, “You . . . can sing and let your voice do your thing.” Shouldn’t it be its thing? That would mean, “Let your voice do what it naturally does. Let your voice be free.” Do your thing implies, “Let your voice do what you want it to do. Make your voice respect your authority.”

Simon says “mess”—again. That makes three times.

Simon says, “You have got to nail the song like David did before you.” As David did, Simon. As!

Michael just said that he wanted to dedicate his song to his dead friend, only he didn’t say dead. He said passed on and not with us. Thus, Idol has given us an excellent lesson in euphemisms.

*

This show, Don’t Forget the Lyrics! What’s up with that exclamation point?

*

OK, Brooke's up now. She is very yellow.

Ryan just used the word normalcy. Ick.

Brooke just said something about “Here Comes the Sun” drawing her “in the melody.” Shouldn’t it be into the melody?

Brooke, sweetie, don’t say “Woo!” in the middle of “Here Comes the Sun.”

I now see that Brooke is standing in front of a yellow background. Yellow background, yellow dress, yellow hair.

“Sun, sun, sun, here it comes. Here comes the sun, doo doo doo”: I know I’m going to get flamed for this, and I love the Beatles as much as the next girl, but these lyrics aren’t doing it for me.

“I love the yellow for the sun,” says Paula—she of the ill-advised bangs and the hideous fashion choices circa 1989.

Brooke says, “I agree with [Simon, who just panned the performance] a hundred million percent.”

Brooke is trying to talk her way into staying on the show. Talk, talk, talk. She is also making a pouty face at the camera, and a moment ago, she said, “if I get to remain,” instead of, “if I get to stay.” This also irks me, even though I know remain is technically correct.

*

Payless commercial: “kids shoes.” Apostrophes, people! The genitive is your friend!

Venus razor: Weird capitalization (“GODDESS OF Friendship”; “GODDESS OF Radiance”).

*

Show’s back on. A flashback to Simon saying “actually” in last week’s show. Adverbs, I swear.

Oh, hey. I kind of like this guy. God, I’m so ashamed. Who is this guy? (Of course, I also freaking love “Day Tripper,” which might be throwing off my suckdar.)

OK, Randy just said his name: David Cook. Randy and Paula like his performance; Simon is underwhelmed. Simon just said “actually” again.

*

Kohl’s commercial: “find your place in the rhythm of life.” Either take out the period or capitalize find, Kohl’s. Otherwise, you kind of look like a bunch of jackasses.

A Shop’ n Save commercial: “just right.” What’s with this lowercasing of initial letters but ending lines with a period? Is it supposed to look techy—calling to mind a URL or something?

Dodge: “New Day Sales Event.” (Boo!)

*

Paula just quoted Simon (loosely) as saying “wind up” (a Britishism for “tease”). I love the term wind up. I wish it would catch on over here.

Randy: “The amount of songs that they wrote . . . have just been legendary.” It should be number of songs, Randy. Songs is a “count” noun. Plus: According to Chicago, it should be "The number of songs that they wrote has [not have] just been legendary."

An Irish girl is up now. She’s singing “Blackbird.” Ryan: “Did she make the right choice? It’s your call, with ‘Blackbird.’“ Excuse me? I’m with “Blackbird”? I’m making a call with “Blackbird”? “Blackbird” and I are crammed in a phone booth, each of us pressing an ear against the receiver?

Randy: “Heavy cooliosis factor.” (It’s strong praise, apparently.)

Carly (i.e., the Irish girl) is trying to talk her way into staying another week, too, after Simon said he disliked her performance and song choice.

Paula called Carly a gift. What is with gift tonight? Gift checks. Gift contestants.

Carly has gotten the numeral 7 tattooed on the ring finger of her right hand because (1) it’s season 7 of Idol and (2) her dial-in number ends in 7. I want a tattoo that says stet. I really, really do.

*

I’m dying for a cup of tea. I wonder . . . Wait, somebody just yelled “dillweed” in a commercial. This tickles me to no end. Dillweed. Anyway, as I was saying, I wonder if I can run to the stove, put on the kettle, and make it back before the show comes back on. Let’s find out, shall we?

*

I just walked back into my living room to see a flashback of Simon saying “absolutely.” Some dreadlocked guy is saying, “I just learned 'Michelle Ma Belle' was French. I thought it was English. My bell.” Hmmm . . . This does not bode well for Mr. Dreadlocks.

Ick. His pronunciation is weird. Why did he pick a song in French if he doesn’t know French? Jason Castro. That’s Mr. Dreadlocks’s name.

Randy: “It’s like Simon. It just snuck up on you.” Is snuck now fully acceptable (instead of sneaked)?

Simon just said “very” twice. Come to think of it, Simon’s fond of what I like to call “softeners,” too: sort of, kind of, or something. My first instinct is to say that’s a strange mix: the adverbs he picks are almost always of the intensifying variety, but then there are these softeners . . . I’m beginning to think it has nothing to do with conveying his meaning precisely. I think it’s a stall technique. Think about it: If you draw out the word actually long enough, you can buy yourself a few milliseconds, which you can spend thinking of what you want to say next.

There’s that damn “Gift Check” commercial again. Stop it!

*

We’re back. Who’s this cutey? Ma belle, indeed.

Syesha says she wants to touch everybody in the audience when she sings “Yesterday.” I’m tempted to make a highly inappropriate comment right now, but I won’t. For all I know, this Syesha person is seventeen. And that would just be creepy.

There’s the kettle!

*

Ah, tea. There’s nothing like it.

A movie promo (for something called Prom Night) just said “On April 11th.” Why the th? Yucko.

A JCPenney commercial had this tagline: “Every Day Matters.” Cute play on words: “Every Day Matters” and “Everyday Matters.” Big ups!

Now we’re back. It’s Ryan and some old dude, mugging for the camera. What?

Here, at long last, is this Chikezie character.

Chikezie just made a pun. He asked the audience not to “harp on” him for his bad harmonica playing. Yeah, it’s lame, but I have to say, I’m kind of feeling the cornpone humor when it comes from this guy.

Randy just said, “Yo! Chikezie, dog, check it out.” That means Chikezie’s going to get a load of bad news.

Paula just used the word scope twice in one comment.

Simon just called Chikezie’s harmonica playing “literally atrocious.” As opposed to what? Figuratively atrocious?

Paula just said “scope” again. And Simon just said “actually” again. So there you have it—our three judges: Yo, Scope, and Actually.

*

A commercial for the movie Atonement is screaming at me: everything is in caps. Which seems strange, considering that Atonement is (I think) a historical romance.

A Dove commercial just used the words velvet and luxury approximately twenty times each. Jesus, get a thesaurus, would you?

A commercial for my local news just advertised its air time as “10pm.” Why oh why don’t people just say 10 p.m. or 10 PM anymore? When did closing up terms become such a fad?

OK, we’re back.

The next contestant, Ramiele, just said, “One of the best things that’s happened this year are making a bunch of new friends.” For the love of Pete. And: “I’m going to try to make them smile like [not as] I did the first week.” Yeah, I hope this girl gets voted off. The like/as problem I could overlook, but that subject-verb-agreement problem is a capital offense.

Randy begins his comment with “Yo, yo!” I officially tune out. Because I know what he’s going to say: he thinks Ramiele gave a so-so performance.

Paula, amazingly, has given the most grammatically correct comments of the night.

Simon just used really and very. He also said: “It sounded like Chikezie was on harmonica.” Simon, please use as if!

I just realized that when they show the dial-in numbers at the bottom of the screen, they use spaces, not hyphens, to separate the groups of numerals. Does that make the numbers easier to memorize? I’m not knocking Fox or anything. My eyesight sucks, and I can see (no pun intended) how the spaces might be easier to comprehend than hyphens would, especially if you’re glancing at the number. I’m just curious.

The credits hyphenated make-up (used as a noun). I wonder if it’s closed up as a verb and hyphenated as a noun.

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